Mwahaha! I live! Now to go about the process of scanning in crud and uploading it to here... Only, I'm still afraid to put up anything of import since DevArt has some policy where they can duplicate your stuff without permission... or somefink. And if not, it's still too risky.
So then, been getting some good work done, and am currently drawing out the rest of my "insane artist self-portrait." It makes me laugh cause I look like a hunchback, crabclawed imp with eye bags from hell. Nothing makes me happier than an accurate rendition of myself. :3
School ended today and I have the whole of summer activities before me; cross country roadtrips, run-away excursions, art school... I have it all mapped out.
But I'm still confused. Not about what people want for me, but about what I'd like for myself.
It's amazing what public school can do to your outlook on life. They've successfully disillusioned me to which my level of ambition is zilch in terms of academic achievement and my aspirations are bordering on very little. I feel like I've been shortchanged a couple hundred good experiences.
Ever feel like that?
Of course, there are really only a few things I think I want in life. A secure place to live, an adventurous life (of the comedic kind, because while I enjoy tragedies, living them is in no way fun), and an even 16 love affairs over the span of 20 years.
Kidding. :3
What I really want, I can't have. It would ruin my life and destroy my will to remain. Even by experimenting, I'd lose myself completely in the deed and getting back on my feet would take a miracle. I can't afford a miracle right now. All I have is a clean crisp $20 and the change in my pocket.
It sounds painfully dramatic when I write it, but that seems to be the way of the world in which we live. You get what you can out of it, and sort of roll with the punches.
That, and it's hard trusting people anymore. It's why I heap so much responsibility on myself and fail in the end. I can't handle it, but I try to pretend that's it's nothing and I'll just get by. Because the more work I do... The less reality I have to deal with. It's another escape.
I guess emotions aren't that simple. --Even though I always knew that. Now and then I like to pretend I'm a regular teen with wild hormones and a naive attitude toward life. It would be so nice to throw away all my values for one day and pick them up the next without a care or consequence...
But I won't make that sacrifice. If you get too close to the rose, you discover that it has thorns. No gardener wants to take the time to do the proper trimming or nourish the flower that grows. The end is but a tragic wilted thing.
I feel like that. No will, no reason, loveless. My defenses become me and all that will remain is the shell of the person I never wanted to be.
You know the sense. Or maybe I speak in metaphors too much. I do that. Direction never was my strong suit.
I miss him, I need him.
Can you feel this way about more than one person?
I wish I were a pebble. Washed away by the sea to travel over great distances as your body breaks down and the dust that remains dances about the world. Caught in a lover's eye, she cries the tears she never could --a grain present in a bird's nest as a piece among millions, that clumped together form the mud that binds and secures... To travel and do good and evil without a choice to be made and no blame to be pinned with. Perfect in nonentity.
All I want is that dreamlike state when caught between sleep and waking... Where everything is peaceful and the worries of the world never happened.
Orphne was the name of the most respected nereid of the Underworld. She dwelled there by the River of Woe with her husband Acheron, the ferryman of the dead.
I suppose I chose her as my psuedonym because she was never a popular part of mythology -I hadn't heard of her until I'd looked up Acheron himself. She was beautiful both inside and out for she had learned to love the strange and silent ferryman. God of the river and nymph of the river; thus they live for eternity.
I guess a part of me is still looking for someone to fill the part of Acheron. I only hope he hasn't hidden himself away in a cave with the foul beast Cerberus...
Spring break is finally here and I can relax on the sofa with some cosy tea. School is stressful... Glad to take a moment to breathe.
Plans for the week include bribing my sister and her boyfriend to let me dress them up in crazy stuff and photograph them. Then, to eat some ice cream... Maybe sun tan, save the weather dies down and warms up enough to allow it. I could practice driving and sign up for DrEd. In my free time, I'll sketch up some character designs and ink the ones I have. I might even enter another contest in the mean time.
OC3
